Day 4 – Feeling a little depressed today, partly due to the weather, partly due to the panic attack last night, partly due to the fact that I will not be discharged today.

Early in the morning they came and wheeled me to the cardiac center to do the 2D echo sound heart scan. When the scan was done, they installed on me an ECG monitor that I have to bear for 24 hours, with wires sticking all over my torso. They will remove it tomorrow morning they claimed.

I don’t know is it me or everyone in the ward is feeling grumpy today. The uncle opposite me was having spite with the nurses because they wanted to install the drip on him. I totally understand his frustration; nobody wants to be bounded by the bed here when, walking to the compound downstairs is the only solace you could seek. He was begging the nurses to give him 10 mins while he walked around before getting chained to the bed. Poor guy.

The neighbouring uncle was giving me loads of problem last night with the sound he made too, last night he was trembling so immensely that I can hear the whole bed shaking and him shivering very loudly. It doesn’t help when I just woken up by a bad dream and was in anxiety myself. It was a tough night.

I am very touched that you stayed from 12 to 930 yesterday, keeping me accompany the entire day. I couldn’t have survive the boredom without you, really thanks for being so sweet to me.

Chinese New Year is drawing near and as everyone is spring-cleaning his house, I am spring-cleaning myself. Am I really uncovered to too much stress lately, or am I just nervous about my condition. The scatty sensation no longer lingers as I am typing this so could all this had just been an illusion?

I hope the ECG monitor on me will tell me an answer.

2nd morning in the ward. Today is so cold and gloomy everyone is lying on his bed. Across of me, there is a new tenant, checked-in 5am this morning… disrupted my sleep as usual. There is a sweet lady sitting beside him, doing nothing but pondering, staring and waving her toes, occasionally raises her head to check on her sleeping husband. She’s enthusiastic about everything, whenever nurses come, she ask about all the readings and obviously very concern about her pal’s situation.

I really admire her; especially after witnessing the family of the uncle beside me. The affection of their respective wives is beyond comparison. Family of the neighbouring bed have obviously no idea of how is it to be ill on a hospital bed. The wife was only here for a brief hour yesterday after he got warded for the whole day, and already wanted to provoke him for a fight during that short stay, resulting in incommoding silence.

The man was left alone after that, and later of the night, he was moaning in pain. His abdomen was giving him so much trouble. He told the doctor his stomach was burning and acidic stuff was coming out from his mouth. They had to give him the strongest painkiller they have here. I can only imagine the pain.

For him, I guess the pain is not any less than having kids and wife who wouldn’t bother to pat on his shoulder and assure him everything will be all right.

I am so lucky and felt so much love when you guys came to see me. Especially for you who came back twice, kept me accompany the whole afternoon and came back at night again just to watch me fell asleep. I feel bad when you have to fall asleep on the tiny space beside me.

I really needed that laughter yesterday, thanks so much my friends. All these kind gesture gave me the strength to eradicate all the self-doubt and downbeat feelings. It meant a lot to me.

Doctor came today and told me that he’s convinced nothing bad is happening to me, and that I have to be positive.

And Positive I will be :)

First day at the ward… well technically 2nd day, counting from 3pm yesterday. Still spotting a weird sensation at the head while typing this, it’s not exactly giddiness, just a discomfort that keeps on distracting my will to concentrate. It’s just annoying that the symptoms persist without any significant cause, I hope they could nail it soon.

Never been warded my whole life, so the experience is daunting. I don’t like it because while I am the sober one, watching other ill patients make me fear, and suffer for them. People are here for all kinds of reason -

old uncle beside me had abdominal pain and letting out hard stools
old uncle opposite me had a stomach the size of 2 big balloons and he wants prata for all his meals
old uncle diagonally across me… I dunno what’s wrong, but I mistaken him as an auntie because another uncle was feeding him porridge when I admitted.

The nurses have been repeatedly coming to me to take my blood, each time poking into a different veins, already 4 holes poked so far, and countless ECG, blood pressure check, and 4 different doctors have came, all asked the same questions over and over again, did the same check over and over again. Each time without a conclusion, I am starting to get a bit impatient.

I have been mentally prepared that no special test would be conducted at least until Monday, so that’s 48 hours for me to kill in a 500 sq feet room, with malfunction tv set, view of the rainy Chinatown, 3 uncles that don’t talk and hospital diet that comes with a selection on glossy menu.

I pray hard that this visit will clear all my doubts and I could get out feeling like a new person again, I have always been a healthy person and I want to be healthy.

And I am really grateful for you, for standing by me all this while. You might not know how much it meant for me to see your smile last night, when I am all by myself in this cold dark room. Thanks for helping me to pull it through.

what i call a classic beauty

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2011 will be a great year....

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