I was filling up some details for my employment pass application and needed to know the date I started my London studies, so I turned to the first entry of this blog. Emotion rumbles as I plough through the entries. I blog so very often last time and those words and pictures have been such a testament of how I have enjoyed my life in London. I do miss that a lot.
Coming back to Singapore again, I realised the landscape of the country has evolved so much but I haven’t changed a bit myself. I am still late for meetings, troubling friends with my inadequacy, loosing valuables, stubborn for wayward lifestyle... I talk a lot more compared to 3 years ago, but I am still so lacking of self-esteem. Yet, i realised, I have been behaving like that all my life and the reason I haven’t change, is probably due to the fact that I managed to survive on my own all this while. I owe this to many of you, i know. You have been standing by me all this while, despite knowing I bring nothing but last minute panic all the time, calls only when i needed something from you, taking for granted your unconditionally support. I felt shameful and blissful at the same time. Confused, yeah.
One thing that would have change, will be my reaction towards emotion. I have grown to be immune to feelings, I show very little respond to anger, sorrow and compassion. I am this close to being heartless. I won’t know what causes the change, but people cry don’t make me cry anymore. Detachment from emotion is the best defrence i guess, something I have built up over the years. A pastor once say to me, I am a smart person as I built walls around my heart, so nothing could hurt me. I guess that’s true. I used to be so sensitive, but insults over my feelings by different individuals have taken a toll on me. Now i simply don’t care, and i doubt feelings. And i hate dramas.
Nonetheless, I am looking forward to starting a new job, moving into a new place and embarking on a new lifestyle. I want to document the process like how I used to do, and I will return to update this blog as often as I would be. I realised how important this is to a person crossing the border to the next box, yes the dreadful big 30.
To Mike, please stay strong and never let anything bring you down. It’s easy for me to say as I am not you, but please sound out if you need anything. We all worry about different things, but we just can’t predict life. Just make sure whatever you do makes you happy. I was once caught in the same situation, in fear of loosing a job that took care of my bread and butter... but the best thing in life happened to me after I took the plunge. If I am at 30, and not afraid of taking risk, you could do better than me. Jia you!
I love my friends :)
