I was filling up some details for my employment pass application and needed to know the date I started my London studies, so I turned to the first entry of this blog. Emotion rumbles as I plough through the entries. I blog so very often last time and those words and pictures have been such a testament of how I have enjoyed my life in London. I do miss that a lot.

Coming back to Singapore again, I realised the landscape of the country has evolved so much but I haven’t changed a bit myself. I am still late for meetings, troubling friends with my inadequacy, loosing valuables, stubborn for wayward lifestyle... I talk a lot more compared to 3 years ago, but I am still so lacking of self-esteem. Yet, i realised, I have been behaving like that all my life and the reason I haven’t change, is probably due to the fact that I managed to survive on my own all this while. I owe this to many of you, i know. You have been standing by me all this while, despite knowing I bring nothing but last minute panic all the time, calls only when i needed something from you, taking for granted your unconditionally support. I felt shameful and blissful at the same time. Confused, yeah.

One thing that would have change, will be my reaction towards emotion. I have grown to be immune to feelings, I show very little respond to anger, sorrow and compassion. I am this close to being heartless. I won’t know what causes the change, but people cry don’t make me cry anymore. Detachment from emotion is the best defrence i guess, something I have built up over the years. A pastor once say to me, I am a smart person as I built walls around my heart, so nothing could hurt me. I guess that’s true. I used to be so sensitive, but insults over my feelings by different individuals have taken a toll on me. Now i simply don’t care, and i doubt feelings. And i hate dramas.

Nonetheless, I am looking forward to starting a new job, moving into a new place and embarking on a new lifestyle. I want to document the process like how I used to do, and I will return to update this blog as often as I would be. I realised how important this is to a person crossing the border to the next box, yes the dreadful big 30.

To Mike, please stay strong and never let anything bring you down. It’s easy for me to say as I am not you, but please sound out if you need anything. We all worry about different things, but we just can’t predict life. Just make sure whatever you do makes you happy. I was once caught in the same situation, in fear of loosing a job that took care of my bread and butter... but the best thing in life happened to me after I took the plunge. If I am at 30, and not afraid of taking risk, you could do better than me. Jia you!

I love my friends :)

beery beautiful

Aww look ma, an entry.

All thanks to Talia’s emo song at her blog, it spears my heart and this utterance became a manifestation. Actually in perpetual occasions i feel the need to write, but winds down everytime the hand touches the keyboard. Too much hassle i guess, and i am not exactly that articulate when it comes to these things.

The last week has been quite a wreck. It has been a while since i got myself drunk, you guys know i can’t handle alcohol.. and I hated that feeling. But it has been 3 times this week, I am sick of it. Yet it seems, that was the only way to lift me out from that miserable state of mind. When girls aloud go ‘something’s gonnna oohhh... makes my heart go booom boom...” and i go “yeahh.. and no one gonna gets hurt”.. Call me delusional, i think i am starting to believing in drinking to be happy.

Work has been terribly terribly busy, i have got some of the most exciting projects on my plate and while life should be so perfect, I can’t seem to anchor my heartstring anywhere. I can’t exactly work when I am not feeling the ground. I get floated off to whatever direction the rambling thoughts move.

On the subject of my return, I know i have upset some of you with a much delayed schedule.. but trust me, i am feeling the aggraviation too. I am both irritated and confused actually. It makes it even harder to conform to thinking sensibly. Anyway I am pretty sure the end is near and I would be home very very soon.

And when i am home, i need your TLC ok? I will not hassle the married couples but Talia, you HAVE TO be my full time girlfriend, haha...

Ok finally, call for wish list, please let me know if you have anything you would like from London, Yiyong has ordered his triple chocolate crunch, how about you guys? Let me know soon especially those that requires delivery ok? It could well be my final oppurtunity to bring you something back from here, so don’t be shy.

Now i gonna go finish my gin shaking to Roisin Murphy’s Overpowered... hmm love that song so much!

It's amazing how all of us (talia, max, mike, me, yean, jeri... everyone!) still keep our natopus link on our blog when she has long abandoned us. How about a revival, ms nutella?

photo © charliecha

some interesting pictures from the last trip

lamb brain... erm anyone?

broccoli mousse.... err anyone?

got these gigantic macaroons at a very small price, happiness!

animal venetian masks... i would get the fish if they are not that exorbitantly priced

gigantic gummy balls!

plate of meringue piggies!

this must be the worst nightmare, licorice as thick as our belts! eeeeeekk!

Look at da jie's Paella! how would i not be proud of her

Sis's german pork chop!

and here's Yiyong with his adidas basketball diving suit and Talia with her xtra long and slim body and limbs :p!!

Fren-a-day is back!

Remember fren-a-day last year? this year i wanna create custom avatar for everyone! First up is of course my bestest friend nat and she is a bird cause she is in love! geddit?

Hehe finally! :)

又被愛傷了一遍
無所謂 當作成長
剛剛走開的人 煙還點著 味道卻淡了

我並不是天生愛寂寞 卻比任何人都多
就算把世界給我 我還是一無所有
我要快樂我要能睡的安穩
有些人不抱了才溫暖 離開了才不恨 我早應該割捨
我要快樂 哪怕笑的再大聲
心不是熱的 全都是假的
只有眼淚是真的

把從前想了一遍
謝謝了 傷我的人
想做樂觀的人 每種雨聲 聽了都不冷
我並不是天生愛寂寞 卻比任何人都多
就算把世界給我 我還是一無所有

我要快樂我要能睡的安穩
有些人不抱了才溫暖 離開了才不恨 我早應該割捨
我要快樂 哪怕笑的再大聲
心不是熱的 全都是假的
我的決定是對的

Amsterdam (1)

It has been a whirlpool of emotion and I sincerely thank every one of you who has been keeping me in check to make sure I am alright. I am still scornful about things but just don’t have the bloody pluck to end anything. How much, I wonder, will be enough to heave me all out of love.

David Hockney @ the exhibition

Yesterday I went to National Gallery to see this beautiful exhibition revolving theme of Love. An installation by Yoko Ono called Secret Piece III made me tear. There are so much love you can read, all real affection from real people, in all languages, from all aspects. I left a note there.

You guys have no idea how much it touched me when you agree to pull money for my air ticket home. I think the only solace from this incident is to realize how blissful am I to have good friends like you around. I love you all. Yes i do. Love, something that everybody has but always take for granted isnt it?

Frankly I am timid with what to do next, that’s what constancy do to you. After a period of indulging in self fabricated fairy tale, you deprive of the ability to think for your own good, continuously root your decision on two minds. Love you say. Yes it still exists but it can just jolly well be the permission to the next perfidy. I am weak, that’s why I deserved to be taken on a ride again and again.

Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

No.

11 July Middlesex Graduation Ceremony