TRX day 1 yesterday - feeling sore at all the right places now, hope it works out nicely. No pain no gain!

Getting a new rollerblade should be next on the list!

three of my favourite songs, such a shame i didn't choose to go to HK over TW...

finally the edge is back!

Last day at the ward for now, they have just informed that I could get a mid-day discharge. I am feeling neutral at the moment, glad at the release but not feeling relief because there’s still no explanation for my condition. They did another blood test but still found nothing wrong and now all pending is the readings from the device I had on me the past 24 hours, that’s if they could deduce any conclusion from that.

Still feeling strange while typing this, could it all be just my own imagination? I do not think so. Whenever there’s a chance I always try to exercise my mind and breathing pattern to see if there’s a difference, if it could get rid of this volatility state but none have seen succeeded.

Last night all the previous roommates were removed from the room, one got discharged while two others got transferred away. I was really mean when I yelped with joy knowing the uncle that was beside me was moved away.

I was totally sympathetic with his condition because I knew he was in great great pain, but at the same time, he was being such a negative energy in the room. His groan and mutter often freaked me out and off-putting thoughts ran through my mind as I try to rest. His callous family is the cherry on the icing. I can’t help but sway to the pessimistic side whenever I see him.

On the contrary, the new guys that moved in – another old man who’s in a much peaceful state and a younger man who suffered from hepatitis A create affirmative force much needed for the room.

The old man has got a very caring and carefree family that puts a smile on my face. His sons and daughters were in the wad until late last night, keeping him company while chatting liberally with him and each other. And early at 9am today, one of the daughters was already sitting beside the father reading a book while he is sleeping. That’s what I call a family.

As I am typing this, another younger man moved into the wad and apparently he had abdominal pain while consuming, a lot similar to the case of the previous uncle beside me and I get really concern with him. He has just lost his dad too due to bowel cancer.

I guess I need to get out of this place quite soon, positive atmosphere is essential for me to get well. I am grateful to everyone who has sent me text and well wishes, sorry I have not been responsive because I guess I am in a state of denial to be a patient.

Not to worry guys, I will recover soon.

Day 4 – Feeling a little depressed today, partly due to the weather, partly due to the panic attack last night, partly due to the fact that I will not be discharged today.

Early in the morning they came and wheeled me to the cardiac center to do the 2D echo sound heart scan. When the scan was done, they installed on me an ECG monitor that I have to bear for 24 hours, with wires sticking all over my torso. They will remove it tomorrow morning they claimed.

I don’t know is it me or everyone in the ward is feeling grumpy today. The uncle opposite me was having spite with the nurses because they wanted to install the drip on him. I totally understand his frustration; nobody wants to be bounded by the bed here when, walking to the compound downstairs is the only solace you could seek. He was begging the nurses to give him 10 mins while he walked around before getting chained to the bed. Poor guy.

The neighbouring uncle was giving me loads of problem last night with the sound he made too, last night he was trembling so immensely that I can hear the whole bed shaking and him shivering very loudly. It doesn’t help when I just woken up by a bad dream and was in anxiety myself. It was a tough night.

I am very touched that you stayed from 12 to 930 yesterday, keeping me accompany the entire day. I couldn’t have survive the boredom without you, really thanks for being so sweet to me.

Chinese New Year is drawing near and as everyone is spring-cleaning his house, I am spring-cleaning myself. Am I really uncovered to too much stress lately, or am I just nervous about my condition. The scatty sensation no longer lingers as I am typing this so could all this had just been an illusion?

I hope the ECG monitor on me will tell me an answer.

2nd morning in the ward. Today is so cold and gloomy everyone is lying on his bed. Across of me, there is a new tenant, checked-in 5am this morning… disrupted my sleep as usual. There is a sweet lady sitting beside him, doing nothing but pondering, staring and waving her toes, occasionally raises her head to check on her sleeping husband. She’s enthusiastic about everything, whenever nurses come, she ask about all the readings and obviously very concern about her pal’s situation.

I really admire her; especially after witnessing the family of the uncle beside me. The affection of their respective wives is beyond comparison. Family of the neighbouring bed have obviously no idea of how is it to be ill on a hospital bed. The wife was only here for a brief hour yesterday after he got warded for the whole day, and already wanted to provoke him for a fight during that short stay, resulting in incommoding silence.

The man was left alone after that, and later of the night, he was moaning in pain. His abdomen was giving him so much trouble. He told the doctor his stomach was burning and acidic stuff was coming out from his mouth. They had to give him the strongest painkiller they have here. I can only imagine the pain.

For him, I guess the pain is not any less than having kids and wife who wouldn’t bother to pat on his shoulder and assure him everything will be all right.

I am so lucky and felt so much love when you guys came to see me. Especially for you who came back twice, kept me accompany the whole afternoon and came back at night again just to watch me fell asleep. I feel bad when you have to fall asleep on the tiny space beside me.

I really needed that laughter yesterday, thanks so much my friends. All these kind gesture gave me the strength to eradicate all the self-doubt and downbeat feelings. It meant a lot to me.

Doctor came today and told me that he’s convinced nothing bad is happening to me, and that I have to be positive.

And Positive I will be :)

First day at the ward… well technically 2nd day, counting from 3pm yesterday. Still spotting a weird sensation at the head while typing this, it’s not exactly giddiness, just a discomfort that keeps on distracting my will to concentrate. It’s just annoying that the symptoms persist without any significant cause, I hope they could nail it soon.

Never been warded my whole life, so the experience is daunting. I don’t like it because while I am the sober one, watching other ill patients make me fear, and suffer for them. People are here for all kinds of reason -

old uncle beside me had abdominal pain and letting out hard stools
old uncle opposite me had a stomach the size of 2 big balloons and he wants prata for all his meals
old uncle diagonally across me… I dunno what’s wrong, but I mistaken him as an auntie because another uncle was feeding him porridge when I admitted.

The nurses have been repeatedly coming to me to take my blood, each time poking into a different veins, already 4 holes poked so far, and countless ECG, blood pressure check, and 4 different doctors have came, all asked the same questions over and over again, did the same check over and over again. Each time without a conclusion, I am starting to get a bit impatient.

I have been mentally prepared that no special test would be conducted at least until Monday, so that’s 48 hours for me to kill in a 500 sq feet room, with malfunction tv set, view of the rainy Chinatown, 3 uncles that don’t talk and hospital diet that comes with a selection on glossy menu.

I pray hard that this visit will clear all my doubts and I could get out feeling like a new person again, I have always been a healthy person and I want to be healthy.

And I am really grateful for you, for standing by me all this while. You might not know how much it meant for me to see your smile last night, when I am all by myself in this cold dark room. Thanks for helping me to pull it through.

what i call a classic beauty

Hello Blog,

It's been months i have neglected you, i want you back!

2011 will be a great year....

did i just jinx it?

wooot

d-awwww-nn ;)

A back lot of photos from London

Took a break from work and found these lovely london memories

I was filling up some details for my employment pass application and needed to know the date I started my London studies, so I turned to the first entry of this blog. Emotion rumbles as I plough through the entries. I blog so very often last time and those words and pictures have been such a testament of how I have enjoyed my life in London. I do miss that a lot.

Coming back to Singapore again, I realised the landscape of the country has evolved so much but I haven’t changed a bit myself. I am still late for meetings, troubling friends with my inadequacy, loosing valuables, stubborn for wayward lifestyle... I talk a lot more compared to 3 years ago, but I am still so lacking of self-esteem. Yet, i realised, I have been behaving like that all my life and the reason I haven’t change, is probably due to the fact that I managed to survive on my own all this while. I owe this to many of you, i know. You have been standing by me all this while, despite knowing I bring nothing but last minute panic all the time, calls only when i needed something from you, taking for granted your unconditionally support. I felt shameful and blissful at the same time. Confused, yeah.

One thing that would have change, will be my reaction towards emotion. I have grown to be immune to feelings, I show very little respond to anger, sorrow and compassion. I am this close to being heartless. I won’t know what causes the change, but people cry don’t make me cry anymore. Detachment from emotion is the best defrence i guess, something I have built up over the years. A pastor once say to me, I am a smart person as I built walls around my heart, so nothing could hurt me. I guess that’s true. I used to be so sensitive, but insults over my feelings by different individuals have taken a toll on me. Now i simply don’t care, and i doubt feelings. And i hate dramas.

Nonetheless, I am looking forward to starting a new job, moving into a new place and embarking on a new lifestyle. I want to document the process like how I used to do, and I will return to update this blog as often as I would be. I realised how important this is to a person crossing the border to the next box, yes the dreadful big 30.

To Mike, please stay strong and never let anything bring you down. It’s easy for me to say as I am not you, but please sound out if you need anything. We all worry about different things, but we just can’t predict life. Just make sure whatever you do makes you happy. I was once caught in the same situation, in fear of loosing a job that took care of my bread and butter... but the best thing in life happened to me after I took the plunge. If I am at 30, and not afraid of taking risk, you could do better than me. Jia you!

I love my friends :)

beery beautiful

Aww look ma, an entry.

All thanks to Talia’s emo song at her blog, it spears my heart and this utterance became a manifestation. Actually in perpetual occasions i feel the need to write, but winds down everytime the hand touches the keyboard. Too much hassle i guess, and i am not exactly that articulate when it comes to these things.

The last week has been quite a wreck. It has been a while since i got myself drunk, you guys know i can’t handle alcohol.. and I hated that feeling. But it has been 3 times this week, I am sick of it. Yet it seems, that was the only way to lift me out from that miserable state of mind. When girls aloud go ‘something’s gonnna oohhh... makes my heart go booom boom...” and i go “yeahh.. and no one gonna gets hurt”.. Call me delusional, i think i am starting to believing in drinking to be happy.

Work has been terribly terribly busy, i have got some of the most exciting projects on my plate and while life should be so perfect, I can’t seem to anchor my heartstring anywhere. I can’t exactly work when I am not feeling the ground. I get floated off to whatever direction the rambling thoughts move.

On the subject of my return, I know i have upset some of you with a much delayed schedule.. but trust me, i am feeling the aggraviation too. I am both irritated and confused actually. It makes it even harder to conform to thinking sensibly. Anyway I am pretty sure the end is near and I would be home very very soon.

And when i am home, i need your TLC ok? I will not hassle the married couples but Talia, you HAVE TO be my full time girlfriend, haha...

Ok finally, call for wish list, please let me know if you have anything you would like from London, Yiyong has ordered his triple chocolate crunch, how about you guys? Let me know soon especially those that requires delivery ok? It could well be my final oppurtunity to bring you something back from here, so don’t be shy.

Now i gonna go finish my gin shaking to Roisin Murphy’s Overpowered... hmm love that song so much!

It's amazing how all of us (talia, max, mike, me, yean, jeri... everyone!) still keep our natopus link on our blog when she has long abandoned us. How about a revival, ms nutella?

photo © charliecha

some interesting pictures from the last trip

lamb brain... erm anyone?

broccoli mousse.... err anyone?

got these gigantic macaroons at a very small price, happiness!

animal venetian masks... i would get the fish if they are not that exorbitantly priced

gigantic gummy balls!

plate of meringue piggies!

this must be the worst nightmare, licorice as thick as our belts! eeeeeekk!

Look at da jie's Paella! how would i not be proud of her

Sis's german pork chop!

and here's Yiyong with his adidas basketball diving suit and Talia with her xtra long and slim body and limbs :p!!